Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
