It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
