I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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