So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
