did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
