My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
