my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
