Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michael Bay diarrhea
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
