he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
