make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
