apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
