Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
