At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
