I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
