I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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