I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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