Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
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Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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