my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
