I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
