my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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