Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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