those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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