break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
