So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
