I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
