I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
