Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
