yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
this just has baby written all over it
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
