I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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