OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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