My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
