You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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