Soap is not a condiment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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