Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize