I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
