mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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