The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
