you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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