I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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