The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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