There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone says I win the strip club
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
