The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
