Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
