We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
