Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
