college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
