Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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