Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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