I wish I only lived at night.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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