They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
