My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was like eating out sand paper
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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