nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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