Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
