So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
