His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
