I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
